Is My Child "Spoiled"?

Have you ever wondered what an "spoiled" child looks like? They are often perceived as demanding, uncompromising, and even aggressive when their desires are not met. From an outsider's perspective, it may seem as if these children rule the roost, and their parents are unable to manage their emotions and behavior.

In our society, it has become all too common to categorize children who don't conform to societal expectations as "spoiled/overindulged." What are these expectations? Ideally, a well-mannered child is courteous, tranquil, unobtrusive, and expresses gratitude. A child who openly expresses their emotions doesn't fit this mold. Outbursts, tantrums, and physical manifestations of frustration are often misinterpreted as signs of overindulgence.

So, what's the real story behind a "spoiled" child? Just like adults, children face situations where things don't go as planned. How often do we, as adults, rush to rectify these situations, to replace what's broken, or to achieve our desires at any cost? Some of us do, some don't. Similarly, some of us accept the reality of our circumstances and grieve our losses, while others are blocked by their own sorrow and tears.

Children also face disappointments and setbacks. How often do we, as parents, try to fix everything for them, just to prevent them from crying? We all want to provide our children with the best, to ensure their childhood is happier than ours, to minimize their pain and suffering. These are natural desires.

However, is it possible to give too much? Can we overdo attachment, attention, love, and play? No. Can we underdo it? Yes. Sometimes, a child may repeatedly ask for things because that's how they seek reassurance of their bond with their caregivers. When this bond doesn't feel secure, it can lead to anxiety and a desperate attempt to cling to it. In such cases, the solution is to provide more emotional contact, not more material possessions.

There is another scenario where a child struggles to accept disappointment. They want a toy, but the parents don't intend to buy it. The refusal leads to a meltdown. One approach is to accept the child's reaction and help them cope with the disappointment, offering comfort, empathy, and support. The other approach is to give in to the demand to avoid a tantrum. When a child's emotional outbursts frighten parents, it indicates a lack of adaptability. We might have an internalized taboo against expressing "negative" emotions, or feel embarrassed when our child exhibits such behavior in public. In these cases, we are not assisting the child in dealing with rejection. An "overindulged" child is not one who receives too much love; it's one who doesn't know how to deal with denial.

So, when we see a child expressing frustration in public, it doesn't necessarily mean they're "spoiled". They're merely experiencing an emotion and, due to their age and developmental stage, expressing it in the only ways they know how. But if our child cannot handle any form of denial and doesn't process their sorrow, it's worth considering how to assist them. And assist ourselves. We need to normalize emotional expression, understand that aggression often masks frustration, and that children need our support to navigate these feelings.