How to Survive a Child's Tantrums

Tantrums are a common occurrence in children, especially those in their preschool and early school years (5-7-9 years old). It is completely normal for a child to have tantrums, even in high frequency. This can be due to their type of nervous system, sensory sensitivity, or external factors such as age-related crises or changes in their environment.

It is challenging when your child cries loudly, screams, turns red, lies on the floor, kicks, throws things, or even engages in potentially harmful actions. It's not easy to watch such behavior, and it can make you doubt if everything is okay with your child or yourself as a parent. Oddly enough, such behavior is normal. Is it normal for kids to have many tantrums? Yes, it is. Is it normal for a child to have a lot of tantrums, especially with the onset of a widespread war, and sometimes the child seems uncontrollable? Yes, that's normal too.

During a tantrum, parents may experience feelings of guilt and shame. It is crucial to seek professional help if these feelings become overwhelming. Remember, tantrums are a normal part of a child's development and not a reflection of your parenting skills.

The duration of the tantrum period varies for each child, usually until around 5-7-9 years old, sometimes longer. They occur with varying frequency in almost all children. Reasons for a child having more tantrums than others can be related to the nervous system type or sensory sensitivity. These physiological reasons are beyond our control; the child is already like that. It's important not to blame anyone for it and instead learn to understand the child as they are. In addition to physiological reasons, there are other factors like age-related crises, adapting to changes in the family, a new environment, or new people.

Managing Your Child's Tantrums

Often, parents try to find the reason for a tantrum in the latest situation that happened. While this approach is partially correct, since tantrums occur in various seemingly unrelated situations, it can lead to confusion and frustration. The underlying and profound cause of tantrums is the accumulation of FRUSTRATION (an emotional state when expectations don't meet reality, associated with aggression, anger, anxiety, disappointment, despair, shame, guilt, and other emotions).

The reasons for accumulating frustration in each of us, and in our children, are numerous. Every time our expectations of things going "as planned" are not met, frustration builds up. For instance: not getting a candy for breakfast, not playing with toy cars, dad going to work when we wanted to play, someone taking a toy on the playground, being denied the tenth candy, a toy breaking, the cartoon ending, a book tearing apart, and so on – these can all be reasons for frustration. When frustration accumulates too much, it becomes challenging for the child to manage emotions, leading to a tantrum as a release of tension. Therefore, focusing solely on the last situation before the tantrum doesn't capture the whole picture; there were many situations before it, and the child coped with them until the last one became the tipping point.

A tantrum is like trying to stop a runaway elephant or a speeding freight train. In this moment, it's crucial to be present and prevent the child from causing physical harm to themselves or others (headbanging, throwing heavy objects) or damaging family property (keeping phones out of reach, preventing throwing toys at the TV or computer, etc.).

So, what to do during a tantrum?

The recommendations are approximate and not meant to stop the tantrum but to help both the child and yourself manage emotions during this time::

1. Stabilize Yourself: Accept your emotions and those of your child. This can help normalize the situation and reduce feelings of guilt or shame. "I'm anxious, and it's normal. I'm angry, and it's normal. I'm disappointed, and it's normal. Yes, it's extremely challenging, and at the same time, I am normal, and my child is normal too."

2. Find a Comfortable Space: Tantrums are vulnerable moments for both the mother and the child. If the tantrum happens in public, take your child to a quieter, more comfortable place.

3. Validate Your Child's Emotions: Express empathy towards your child's feelings. Legalize, normalize, and give space for the child's and your emotions. Join the emotion, share it with the child genuinely, emotionally, a bit loudly: "Oh, what's going on! What a day! Everything today is not as you wanted. Oh!" "It's frustrating when your brother breaks the construction set! I would be upset too!". This allows us to express our frustration (we didn't expect a tantrum, and it happened – of course, it's frustrating), and it helps the child feel understood.

4. Offer Physical Comfort: If your child allows it, give them a hug or just be there for them. Talk about their emotions: "You're disappointed, you're sad," and so on.

5. Stay Present: If your child pushes you away, reassure them that you are still there for them. "I'm here, I see that you're very upset," "I love you. I'll go to the kitchen to prepare food, come along. I'll be waiting for you."

6. Turn it into a Game: If the tantrum isn't too intense, try making it fun to lighten the mood. Hey, what's this little wolf growling about? Come on, I'm a mama wolf, and I'll bite your wolf cub's tail!"

7. Prevent Physical Harm: If your child tries to hit you, prevent them from doing so, but don't forbid the emotion.
   The sandwich rule: "yes-no-yes":
   Yes: I see you're upset/annoyed/disappointed!
   No: I don't allow myself to be hit!
   Yes: Here, hit here - on my palm, on the backpack, on the bed, on the pillow, etc.
   The same goes for biting, spitting, and so on.

8. Be Flexible: Rules can be flexible. If we realize that our prohibition will lead to a tantrum, and we are very tired, or, conversely, we see that it's in a store, and we don't have the energy to endure: we are adults and can assess the situation, change our minds or decisions to take care of ourselves and the child.

Preventing Future Tantrums

You can help reduce the likelihood of future tantrums by:

• Expressing accumulated frustration through play.
• Planning out routine situations that often cause frustration.
• Reconnecting with distant family members through video calls or rituals.
• Encouraging your child to express their emotions through drawing or sculpting.
• Offering more physical contact, such as hugs or physical games.

Remember, if your child has a complex illness or experiences respiratory-affective attacks during a tantrum, it's crucial to follow your doctor's recommendations.

In conclusion, tantrums can be challenging to handle, but they are a normal part of a child's development. By understanding your child's emotions and needs, you can better manage and prevent future tantrums. Remember, you're doing a great job, and it's okay to seek help when you need it.